“Woman plans to marry poplar tree named Tim.” “Man marries robot he built.” “Woman marries herself.” These are not fake news headlines.  They would have been considered a joke not long ago.  In today’s society, confusion abounds about the institution of marriage. Many of my students have asked me to give them guidance about who to marry and are often confused as to what God wants for them. Outside of your decision to trust Jesus for your salvation, who you marry is probably the most important single decision a Christian makes. Can the Bible help with this? It can. This is the application stage of Bible study (which books like Reading to Grow: A Field Guide to the Bible cover).

The first question a believer has to answer when considering marriage is to whether he or she should marry. The apostle Paul was a rare type of person that had no compulsion to marry. He instructs believers in 1 Cor. 7 on this topic. He writes,

“To the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (8-9)

At seminary one of my professors mentioned, if you have a fire burning you need a wife to put it out.  Doing this prevents you from sin and allows a more effective ministry. Once you are married, your responsibility is now to your family AND to the Lord. Believers should not marry and then live like they are single (and doing so is sinning).

On the other hand, those that can control this fire should remain unmarried (like Paul). Remember, people that marry have to worry about their family and the Lord’s affairs. Those that don’t marry can be single-minded in their service to the Lord. (1 Cor. 7:32-35)

Once you’ve recognized you fall into the broader group of those who should marry, the Scripture contains a few clear instructions on who you are allowed to marry. One can boil it down to three requirements.

1. The person must be the opposite gender. (Gen. 2:24)
2. The person must be a believer. (2 Cor. 6:14)
3. The person cannot be married to another person. (1 Tim. 3:2; Deut. 17:17)

This is a pretty short list to check off. Of course, as a robot and a tree are not people, these would be excluded from marriage.  Also, this is not a treatise defending these three requirements, but it is simply stating the plain teaching of Scripture.

There is one more important piece of guidance the Bible offers the Christian. God has revealed in Proverbs: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout, so is a beautiful woman that lacks discretion.” (11:22) Ladies and gentlemen, if you get married to someone that looks great but lacks wisdom, realize you will get the gold ring, but the pig comes with it.  It is NOT sinful to marry this person, but it is FOOLISH to do so!

This advice is for Christians that are single. At the end of the day you need to judge whether your passions are consuming you or not. If they cause you to sin, you need to marry. After quickly assessing the short list, use wisdom to decide the one to marry. How can you use wisdom when blinded by the person’s beauty? Here are 3 practical ways:

1. Consult others that have wisdom and know the other person to assess them.
2. Make a list of the top ten things that are important to you to have in a believing spouse. This list of objective criteria will help you quickly assess how they value the things you value most. If there is agreement in the most important areas, there is a greater chance that both partners will flourish in the marriage.
3. Watch how the person treats other people (especially their parents). If this is done in God honoring ways, then you’ve got a good assessment of where they are.

Notice that on this list there isn’t anything about race, height, culture, or wealth on this list. These are preferences and are not sins. These are not essentials according to the Bible. Remember that your preferences may change. Also, don’t forget the Proverbs, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (30:30) Philosopher (and apparently poet) Max Herrera puts it this way:

“Humans, we are so impressed with physical beauty. The more physically beautiful we are, the greater our penchant for taking pictures of ourselves. Nevertheless, these very same pictures (that stoke our egos when we are young) mock us when we grow older. The person in the picture becomes unrecognizable to us as our memory along with our bodies wither. If the profundity of our beauty is only skin deep, our bodies transform from works of art to dilapidated mausoleums, housing a desiccated soul.”

One last word for those that are single is this: “redeem the time for the days are evil.” (Eph. 5:16) God has given you this time of freedom to minister or prepare for ministry. Today is the day to work on becoming the best spouse you can be before you marry. Spend time with God, memorize Scripture, love and serve others. Jesus guides us, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.” (Matt. 6:33) Focus on the Lord and continue growing in Him. Remember, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” (Pro. 18 22)